Book Nook Post: A Reframing of Rejection

Samantha DeSpirito

Well, it has been a minute since I have felt inspired to or had the energy to write.  I decided to make my grand re-entry to writing by sharing a book on a non-traditional and not-so-fun topic: rejection. Kait Warman’s  Thank You for Rejecting Me puts into words a lot of my own thoughts and experiences with rejection, in all it’s shapes and forms.

I literally stumbled upon Kait Warman’s podcast during in the summer of 2020, shortly after moving to Nashville during the craziness of Covid. Another podcaster I follow was joining Kait’s virtual conference, so I signed up (hey, it was virtual and we were all home anyway…) Fast forward to February 2021 when I joined the launch team for her book, which included some fun zoom book clubs with the author herself. Through the sacred bond of shared experiences,  it became unequivocally clear how NOT unique rejection actually is. Bit of a tangent, but it needs stating; while it is easy to harp on the evils of social media, I have met individuals I am privileged to now call friends through the podcast community. Believe it or not, it is possible to make friends and find community during Covid, but that is a blog post for another time, or perhaps I’ll have a book manuscript before long.

Now back to the topic at hand: rejection. We face all kinds of rejection every day. After experiencing job loss while already planning a move, I may have lamented a time or two that I felt rejected by an entire city. Overdramatic much? Probably… but the emotions behind that sentiment were real. Then there’s job searching, which even before Covid necessitated submitting an endless sea of resumes into a virtual abyss just looking for that one elusive yes. With every  rejection comes  more uncertainty and that feeling that you’ll be unemployed or stuck where you are forever.  Then there’s relational rejection, more the focus of the book. Social rejection, romantic rejection, body image and anxiety, the book addresses it all.  While the book is not exclusively looking at rejection in romantic relationships, I’d just like to take a moment to point out that the parallels between 21st Century dating and job hunting should be lost on no one.  

But what if we reframed rejection? What if, instead of letting rejection tell us our identity, we use it to redirect us to God’s purpose for our life? Or what if this momentary rejection is actually a guardrail protecting you from something that would be terrible for you? There are a couple key rejections in my life now that looking back I can safely say I dodged some major life bullets. Now you doesn’t always get to look back say that, and you sure as heck won’t say that in the moment, but there is something to be said when you can give praise for not getting something that seemed so perfect and ideal at the time. Part of moving towards God’s best for you life is equipping yourself to properly process and work though rejection.

One of the more interesting aspects of the book that hit home for this Enneagram 1 was also the concept of self-rejection. The idea that there are times we selectively self-reject so we don’t even try: I’m not qualified enough for that job so I’m not even going to apply, there’s no way that person would be interested in me so I’m not going to show any interest, or there’s no way that person would want to be friends with me. It reeks of comparison, anxiety and insecurity, but we tell these narratives to ourselves all the time and are often ruled by them.

I don’t know where you are or how rejection is manifesting itself in your life, but I can assure you that you are not alone and there is something in this book for you. May we all be a little kinder to ourselves and reframe rejection in a way the leads us to person we are supposed to be and the people who are supposed to be in and add to our lives.

“Sometimes I thank God
For unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’
To the man upstairs
That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
‘Cause some of God’s greatest gifts
Are unanswered prayers”

Garth Brooks “Unanswered Prayers”

Compassion 2020

Samantha DeSpirito

After taking  a bit of a writing break – I’m back now and more inspired than ever.  And you know what timely subject I’ve been thinking about…. compassion.  So it’s 2020, the year of coronavirus, murder hornets, racial tensions, economic recession, wildfires, and the icing on top of this ever unappetizing 2020 cupcake, a presidential election. Before reading any further – this is NOT, I will say it again, NOT a political post (or blog for that matter). While I enjoy political discussions immensely , my political conversations will be conducted  in person where you can read tone, body language and remedy misunderstandings on the spot – not just some one-sided words on a screen that leave much up to interpretation.  To continue – COMPASSION.

Compassion is defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”.  What does that look like in our daily lives? How is compassion different than empathy? And can you be compassionate, but not empathetic (and vice versa)?

 I don’t have the answer to all those questions, and I won’t even say I’ve been as compassionate as I would like to think I can be as things have gotten progressively more difficult. All  I know it’s something I’ve sorely seen lacking as we are all put under the various different pressures and struggles of 2020. There’s so much yelling and no one wants to find common ground. It’s more about picking a camp and ascribing evil intent whatever side you don’t agree with.  To that end – compassion definitely doesn’t mean agreeing all the time either, but rather choosing to disagree in a way that humanizes the other person and shows some level or care and understanding (or desire to understand). Instead of ascribing to ourselves altruistic intentions that we have all the answers to the universes problems, take a minute to listen well and learn. Personally , I love chatting with those who think differently than me. It challenges me, stretches me,  and keeps me from becoming stuck in the echo chamber of my own mind. It ensures I actually have tested and truly believe in the things I say I do. Social media has only made the echo chamber worse, but that probably needs to be its own post.  

Now have I ever fundamentally changed what I believe through having a deep and heartfelt conversation with someone who thinks differently than me? No, I can’t say I really have. Have a gained a deeper understanding for their perspective and experience that means I can share my thoughts with greater compassion and understanding – 100% you bet I have. And therein lies the beauty of our differences. To bring balance , diversity and our unique experiences to the world.

I also think there is something to be said for self-compassion. Grace for our own struggles and missteps and an allowance for growth. There’s definitely more to be said on the subject here (maybe I’ll do a Compassion 2020 series). We may not be exactly where we want to be, but we sure aren’t where we started.

So in closing, as we face the first presidential debate tonight and the long trek ahead to election day, may we all start with compassion and building others up instead of name calling and yelling. Maybe it means not posting that meme, maybe it means time off the internet and engaging in the real world. It could even look like new boundaries in relationships. It will look different for all of us, but I have faith we can get there. I also want to point out here too, compassion is NOT keeping quiet about topics you are passionate about and it most assuredly is NOT remaining quiet in the presence of racism and bigotry or allowing those things in any way, shape or form. But I do think compassion, combined with humility and grace, we can all be a little kinder and find some unity in 2020 when everything out there seems to want to divide.

One of us
Won’t last the night
Between you and me it’s no surprise.
And there’s two of us
Both can’t be right
Neither will move till it’s over.

I’m the center of attention
In the walls inside my head.
And no one will ever know it
If I keep my mouth shut tight.

Guster – “Center of Attention”

Moving During a Pandemic: My Life as a Disney Princess

Samantha DeSpirito

Hi again friends!

So last week’s post was all about following long held dreams of moving to Nashville and all the excitement that came with it. Now that I’ve been here two months it’s time to talk to talk about reality: moving to a new city is always hard. Moving during a global pandemic, well that’s just not something I think you can even prepare for (or would even think to prepare for).  It honestly hasn’t been all bad, and in the spirit of gratitude there are LOTS of things about my situation to be thankful for, but moving has definitely looked different than it did back in January 2020.

I titled this post my life as a Disney Princess for a couple reasons, besides a deep love of all things Disney. First and foremost,  I’m probably a few more weeks or quarantine away from the woodland creatures (quite fittingly deer, bunnies and squirrels) that surround my apartment complex starting to talk back to me. I also currently have the Snow White haircut – might be worth seeing if the woodland creatures want to come in and clean my apt for me.  The whole stay inside and don’t socialize brings Repunzel and Belle to mind too. I’ve definitely had lots of time to read! (Sam’s Book Nook will be launching this week too!).

In some practical ways this move was one of the least stressful moves I’ve undertaken. Mostly because it was SO necessary and exciting! I mentioned briefly last post, I lost my job due to coronovirus, which while job loss will probably be a topic of its own at some point – this left me lots of time to pack up my apartment and then unpack here in Nashville and do all the tasks like changing your license and registration and running all the errands. Also because of coronavirus, I have never had so much to time focus on fitness! And socially –  we’re all communicating digitally so it hasn’t been as unusual to FaceTime friends or watch church online; it really kept my social meter full and like I was engaged in my community. To anyone else living alone currently – a friend of mine and I instituted weekly weekend FaceTime “pajama chats” – HIGHLY recommend.

In other ways, this move was one of the hardest. Saying “goodbye” to Miami was basically reduced to a Facebook post or phone calls, not the one-on-one conversation or last goodbye coffees and dinners. My amazing friends did host a surprise socially -distant gathering before I left that left me pretty speechless, but after 12 years, I just unceremoniously got in the car and drove to Nashville. The pandemic also meant no family or friends to make the drive with, and making an already isolating experience just a little more isolating. Just for some levity – if you know me you know how much I thrive on live music – the irony that the year I move to Nashville will be the year I don’t attend any concerts – the irony is not lost on me. There’s a lesson in here somewhere and when I learn it I will blog about it.

Then all the errands were done, the new furniture was built and it was time to figure out how to productively spend my time because job hunting 24/7 is not practical and one can’t (okay – shouldn’t) watch bad made-for-TV movies all day.  I’m on the more introverted side of the spectrum, but we’re just not meant to be alone with our thoughts for SO LONG. How do you find your people when you’re told to stay inside and that people are scary and germy? Luckily I moved to a city where I at least know a few people who have braved social interactions and make sure I left the apartment occasionally (you know who you are and I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH).  In July,  I finally  found a church that does social distancing fairly well and started volunteering in and around Nashville.  A note on church though – I had not been new to a church in over a decade and trying to be new while wearing a mask and everything being so topsy-turvy…. it’s been an experience. However,  all of this has forced me to step WAY outside my comfort zone and engage in the digital world through meet up groups and other fun groups with similar interests/life stages/etc.

I think I’ll leave it there for today – just some musings on moving during the plaque and a little encouragement to anyone quarantining on their own! Some minutes it’s the best, some minutes it’s the absolute worst. A good reminder we basically have no control over anything and need to live in the moment.

Come on and we’ll sing, like we were free. Push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us. Come on and we’ll try, one last time. I’m off of the floor one more ty to find you.

And here we go, there’s nothing left to choose. And here we go, there’s nothing left to lose.

I can still hear the trains out my window. From Hobart street to here in Nashville. I can still smell the pomegranates grow. And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow. Or where we’ll go

Mat Kearney “Nothing Left to Lose”

Everyone in Nashville has a moving to Nashville story and this is mine

Samantha DeSpirito

There are lots of milestones that make up a year. There are birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, kids , or in my case, friend’s having kids, and my personal favorites – trips and concerts. I’m 100% aware with the current global pandemic that these are first world indulgences temporarily delayed due to the ‘Rona, but if you’ll allow me a moment of nostalgia here for crowded concerts and airplanes – all I can ask is, is it 2021 yet. I promise to NEVER complain about the middle seat on the airplane or that 6’5″ person standing in front of my 5-foot self at a concert ever again.

 Or it could be one of those years made complete with burnout, financial and/or job stress, divorce, or loss. Considering the complexity of life, it’s probably some combination of all those highs and lows until all of a sudden it’s New Year’s Eve again and you wonder how on earth a whole year has gone by again and what have you been doing with your life.

Let’s rewind a moment to summer 2019. I had just turned 30, and even though I probably wouldn’t have said so at the time, that was the catalyst for some major life changes. I really don’t think one’s life goal is merely to be “happy”, life is hard and you sometimes you have to buck up and endure, but it was becoming abundantly clear some changes needed to take place and risks needed to be taken  or nothing was going to change. If you don’t know me personally – Enneagram 1 here, so obviously to make a trillion percent sure it was the right move or my life would be a complete failure. Same thing with this blog actually…

Downtown Nashville on my exploratory trip – remember when we could wander around in crowds wthout masks?

But back to the story at hand and some background on Nashville;  I moved to Miami in 2007 to study Music Business and Entertainment at the []_[] and had kinda always intended to end up in Nashville, or knew I was supposed to be there. After college the economy was crap (the more things change…) and opportunities to stay in Miami kept arising, so that’s what I did. I had an amazing church, great friends, the beach less than 30 minutes away, a roof over my head,  and gainful employment. But anyone who knows me knows Nashville has always been on the “at some point I should do this” list, so in the fall of 2019 I told my roommate at the end of the lease I’d be relocating to Nashville, started the process to relocate with my job at the time, and everything that  happened between that fall and summer 2020 seemed only confirm that Nashville 2020 was going to be a thing. Because what’s the worst that can happen (yeah, I don’t recommend asking this question), and honestly, if Nashville wasn’t all I wanted it to be I could always move back to Florida – being single with no kids, pretty easy to move around, and it would be better to try Nashville and find out it wasn’t form me than wake up in 10 years wondering what my life would have looked like if I just taken the risk.

If past-Sam had only known.  2020 began with such promise (ok, fine, this year still has promise, it’s just a little bonkers and I’m salty about it.)  I planned a trip to Nashville for President’s Day weekend to scout out places to live and make sure I could see myself there and was going to uproot my reasonable comfortable life. Also,  I needed to make sure I experienced Nashville winter because 12 years in Miami makes one forget things like seasons and winter coats. I spent 5 days out here, found an apartment (bookmark this – it’s important), went to the BlueBird Cafe,  explored the Parthenon in Centennial Park, went to the BEST independent book store owned by one of my favorite authors and honestly had more fun as a solo traveler than I would have thought (another topic for another post). I landed back in the MIA  and before even leaving the MIA airport instantly had the “ugh, send me back to Nashville” moment, so that’s what I pursued.

Almost exactly two weeks after that trip, a devastating tornado roared through Nashville in the middle of the night, even destroying a place a friend and I had eaten lunch while I was in town. Two weeks after that, this random novel virus that had been on the other side of the world found its way to America and the only way to describe it is the world exploded. A month after that trip, my job was a casualty of the coronovirus pandemic. However, since I had found an apartment in Nashville on my exploratory trip, I was able to put my faith to the test and still move to TN.  Remember when I said bookmark the apt – it was important- well had I not come that weekend, there would have been no apartment scouting trips. I found an apartment in February that was available for exactly when I needed it in June and because of that, instead of moving back in with the parents when I lost my job, I was able to fulfill that thirteen year goal of moving to Nashville.

To keep this from turning into a novel, stay tuned for part two of this series – Moving During a Pandemic

But no matter how far these songs take me, If my dreams come true or the heart aches break me,

No matter where I make my bed, I long for you.

Tennessee

Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors “Tennessee”

The Evolution of Coronavirus: Canceled Calendars, Masks, and Immuno-compromised Siblings

Samantha DeSpirito
Universal Studios on the last day they were open before lockdown 3/15/2020

One of the goals of my blog is to share the experience of those of us who have siblings with special needs. So now let’s talk about being a sibling of someone with special needs during a global pandemic. I obviously can only speak to my experience, but my sister is a heart transplant recipient. Breaking this down a little further, this means a suppressed immune system, which means that anything that there’s no vaccine for is scary. For those who may have no experience with something like this, you or I get the flu, we’re in bed or on the couch for a week, she gets the flu, HOSPITAL – so thank you in advance for social distancing and wearing a mask, it’s really not THAT hard, right?

My family was actually monitoring coronavirus before it even got here because of all of the above. Fun fact- by March 1st I was already over talking about the ‘the Rona … yep, fun times for me over here now that it’s July…. Anyway, back in another lifetime,  my Mom and sister were supposed  to fly  down in late March from MD and meet me in Orlando where we were going to experience all that Wizarding World of Harry Potter magic at Universal Studios. Now, as a reasonable adult who can adapt my thinking based on new information, I’ll admit when this all started (early Feb 2020) I didn’t think it was the world’s biggest deal. Not that I wasn’t taking it seriously, but I honestly remember saying “Oh my gosh people, just wash your hands and you’ll be fine”.  Jokes totally on me, I know, but having never lived thru a pandemic before, who would have known?

We started re-evaluating the trip (spoiler alert – it got cancelled, or as I like to say, Rona-ed), but it went about this way:

-Mid to Late Feb: we’re not going to cancel – just going to bring some extra hand sanitizer and lysol wipes for my sisters wheelchair and the handlebars of rides, etc.  There had hardly been ANY cases in the US yet

-Late Feb: cases start popping up, ok – maybe Mom and my sister will drive instead of fly, the airplane is a tube of germs but we have a little more control in the park, right? Still such a still minimal risk

-First week of March: time to cancel  – even if we can go no one’s going to have fun and it’s just not worth the risk, so let’s reschedule, maybe for like May? It’ll all be over by then right (anyone else shaking their heads here with me?)

-The park closed anyway, all reservations got cancelled and we went into quarantine/lockdown/these unprecedented times

Ok, first-world problems, we had to cancel a trip (which especially sad since I don’t live near my family and haven’t seen them since December). But I want to take the evolution of cancelling our trip to highlight some other elements lurking below the surface here. My personal experience with Coronavirus went from, “Ok, be vigilant in hand washing and we’ll all be fine” to thinking my sister could be in the hospital on a ventilator in a matter of weeks. I admittedly can be a worst case scenario person with a bit of flair for the dramatic at times, but the ‘Rona got real, real fast. My sister remains perfectly healthy because my parents follow CDC guidelines and she’s hardly left the house since March, but that doesn’t mitigate the seriousness of it.

The low-death rate of Covid-19 and the mentality of “I might get sick but won’t die” is all well and good until someone who’s close to you is part of the at risk population. Now we all have to assess our own risk, and the economic implications and all that other stuff that makes this such a complicated issue, but that’s not what this post is about.

I’ve been lonely, bored and, because I don’t live with my sister and had to move during this craziness, taken some risks I probably wouldn’t have if I saw her on the daily.  In the spirit of my Faith, I refuse to live in fear, but there’s a healthy balance between not panicking about Coronavirus and being safe and smart (is this where I mention social distancing and masks again? – just making sure you’re following along). For those of us with at-risk family members, this is some of the real life and death considerations we are dealing with in addition to the toilet paper crisis, working from home or job loss/instability, and the general upheaval.  I cannot think of a single person that Coronoa has not impacted in some way or another, but to anyone else caring for or worried about their at risk loved ones, you are definitely not alone.

It’s a mystery, I suppose, Just how long this thing goes, But there’ll be crowds and there’ll be shows, And there will be a light after dark

Someday when we aren’t six feet apart

Luke Combs “6 Feet Apart”

The Journey of a Thousand Words Begins with a Single Click

Samantha DeSpirito

This blog is a long time coming. After much thought about what I had to contribute to the internet and how I wanted to craft it – I’ve finally decided to take the leap of faith and use this little corner of the internet to call my own.

This blog is about the journey and not the destination and it (as well as my writing) will evolve as I do.

This space will serve two purposes

1)  Since I packed up my whole life in June 2020 and relocated to Nashville, Tennessee leaving everything I’ve known my whole adult life behind, it will be a way to document the journey and keep in touch with those who are no longer a short car ride away. Yes –  I moved during the Coronavirus pandemic and that entire journey will necessitate a blog post of its own, or at the rate 2020 is going, maybe a book.

2)  My MAIN goal on this blog is to share my experience being the sibling of an individual with special needs. Disclaimer: this will NOT be a “positive  vs. negative ” evaluation of these circumstances  or forum for complaining about the real challenges which can be created these circumstances. It WILL be a honest reflection on how these siblings, like myself,  experience life in just a slightly different way than the average person does and there really no conversations about it. I haven’t had conversations like that with anyone except other fellow special needs siblings, have you?

A taste of what’s to come:  I’ll tackle topics like: what is it like running errands with a wheelchair? Or the already arduous experience of air travel?  How do you answer questions about your siblings disability? What does inviting people into your home life look like? Or isn’t dating hard enough without having to have conversations like potentially becoming your siblings caretaker in the future? What does a personal journey of self-discovery look like when you don’t live in the same house anymore? A preview to that previous question – I still have to figure out if I like things like hiking and skiing (and the great outdoors in general)

 Not all experiences are the same, but they are all part of a unique experience that I personally haven’t stumbled upon a forum for; and if me sharing my experience helps one individual that it is worth it in my book, because I’m sure there are more people that can relate in all of our lives that we even know.

But like all complex humans, being a special needs sibling is not what my identity is drawn up in, there will be opportunities to write about the other things important to me. First and foremost my faith, music, books, movies (and the special place in my heart Hallmark Christmas movies inhabit) and just navigating this crazy thing experience called life.  The highs, the lows and everything in between, because it’s possible to be real without glossing over the hard things of life and it’s possible to acknowledge these hard things in life without throwing a “woe is me” party (2020 I’m taking an especially long look/ throwing some serious side-eye at you).

Oh, this is the start of something good, don’t you agree … and we can build through this desctruction, as we are standing on our feet

Gavin Degraw, Follow Through